Post #2 in this category. We suggest reading posts in numerical order.
I have learned that to truly understand a child, one must look beyond what is absent or delayed. One must be attentive to what is present. And this presence, however subtle or fleeting, can often be extraordinary.
There are those who encounter a child and see deficits, pathologies, things that do not work. They catalogue what is missing, what is broken, what doesn’t conform. But I have always felt drawn toward another approach: to look for what is there. What stirs the child’s curiosity? What engages the child’s hand, eye, or voice? What evokes a smile, a moment of laughter, a look of shared delight?
In one young boy, dismissed as “nonverbal,” I noticed his fingers tapping rhythmically as I was reading him a rhyming Dr. Seuss story. In another child, presumed unreachable, I saw a quiet, passive, avoidant child, with no eye contact, walk past me a few steps closer each day. After a few days, completely on his own, he came over and sat right next to me. These glimpses are not trivial. They are the beginnings of understanding and of a relationship. They reveal what the child finds safe and meaningful, and they offer a starting point for connection, for learning, and for growth.
Parallel Assessment is not a romantic view. The child’s feelings and difficulties are real. Our belief in the child’s potential is not rooted in fantasy but in signs and evidence we gather during our shared experiences. Over and over again, I have seen children begin to connect and to progress who the experts, and sometimes even the child’s family members, had considered the child incapable of meaningful change. Progress is usually slow; it has to build gradually with all the necessary motivations and prerequisites. We celebrate each small step in the right direction with joy and satisfaction.
It is not magic. It is shared attention. It is mediation. It is patience. It is the willingness to ask ourselves simple questions:
- Is the child healthy?
- How is the child feeling today?
- Is the child safe?
- Is the child confident?
- How does this child spend their time? What is their life like every hour, every day?
- What do they like to do?
- What don’t they like to do?
- Who are all the family members? What are their lives like? What is their connection and activities with the child?
- Who are the child’s caregivers? What do they do with the child? How does the child respond?
- What is the child’s school like? What is the child learning? How is the child relating to other children? To their teachers? To their teaching assistants? To the other students?
- What are the child’s therapists doing with this child? How are they succeeding? Are they connecting with the parents, with the child’s caregivers, teachers, and with the child’s other therapists?
- Who does the child like? Why?
- What is it like to be this child?
- What does this child attend to? Is it relevant to the current situation? Does it interfere with their learning? Is there a sensory issue? A cognitive issue? An emotional issue?
- What does this child enjoy? What does this child not enjoy?
- What moments bring calm, or curiosity, or delight?
- How can I improve my connection and two-way communication and share the experience with this child?
- What skills and understandings, however small, are already present?
- What elicits interest, interaction, imitation, and exploration?
- What are the current priorities for the child? For each parent? For the siblings? For the caregivers? Teachers? Therapists? Physicians?
- What have I learned from the child’s family? What is my relationship with the family?
- What are the long-term goals as determined by the child’s family, the members of the child’s development team, and hopefully, by the child themselves?
- What helps this child to succeed? What is too much? What is not enough?
- What do I need to change in myself to help the child make changes?
- What gives this child feelings of agency and purpose?
- What helps this child feel valued?
- What changes am I seeing?
- What changes do others see?
- What changes am I not seeing?
- How can we help improve this child’s progress, enjoyment, and satisfaction?
These are not diagnostic categories. They are human questions. The questions are not designed to assess pathology, but to discover this child’s personhood and to learn how to help them progress and lead more fulfilling lives.
Development is not fixed. Relationship, play, and learning are the essential mediums of growth. Where I see some glimmer of interest, of connection, of understanding, I imagine ways it can be nurtured. Then we experiment to see what is helpful and what is not helpful. We begin to unlock what is most human in them and in ourselves.
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