“We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thought. With our thoughts we make our world.” –   The Buddah

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In Far from the Tree, Andrew Solomon considers the fundamental question asked by parents of children with special needs, “How much do we accept and how much should we try to help our child be the best they can be?”

Parents hear “experts” telling them, “Your child will never….” “Your child has a life-long condition.” “What you want and what you believe is not possible.” “Just love them, just protect them.”  

The experts want to shield the child and their parents from disappointment so they compassionately tell them what can’t be done.  

Parents say to themselves, “The professionals must know what they are doing.” “They have the qualifications, they gave our child the diagnosis, didn’t they?” “They must know what is possible and what is not possible.” “We have no experience. Nothing has prepared us.” “Maybe they know our child’s limits, and the limits of our family better than we do?”

Professionals lean toward limitations. Doctors are trained to look for what is wrong and psychologists look for what is different.

I believe that when an “expert” tells you “There is not much that can be done,” it is because they do not really know your child, because they do not know what can be done, and they do not really know how to help.

Our state of mind is a fortuneteller. Parents can block themselves with their doubts, paralyze themselves with what they think their child cannot do. Their uncertainty, their emotional and physical exhaustion stops them from looking for other solutions, from persevering when progress is slow. Pessimism takes away hope and strength.  

Our children see themselves in their reflection in our eyes. Parents need to believe in their children and in themselves. Our hopes, our purpose, our intentions and actions mobilize our energy and creativity. Our belief and our commitment shape reality and create a better future.

We believe in the child’s greater potential. The child knows and understands much more than they are currently able to say or do.

While playing and mediating with your child every day you are learning how to communicate with each other; learning how to play together and how to help your child learn how to learn. Your confidence and determination will be a magnet for other creative, committed, energetic persons to join you. I believe Colwyn Trevarthen identified the essential determiner of child development: “The final outcome depends mostly on the way parents perceive and think of their child.”

Parents need to believe in change so they can work toward change. Seeing a more positive future creates a more positive future.

Knowing your child’s strengths, learning what your child needs and how you can help them get what they need are what should occupy parents’ minds, not their child’s differences. Parents unconditionally love their child, but they must also believe in their child and in themselves.

Parents need to accept their child’s love, not their limitations. The process is not automatic, is not easy and takes a long time, but belief grows stronger as children, parents and helpers celebrate every new step forward.

The first conditions for creating meaningful, life-long progress in your child are:

• belief in the child
• belief in yourself
• your child’s belief in themselves and in you
• your loving, patient commitment to helping your child live a more meaningful, more successful and more fulfilling life

In the beginning, it may be difficult to get the help you need and to recognize your child’s small, slow advances.

Seeing progress and believing in your child’s higher potential may not seem genuine. You may be afraid to hope. For years you have been hearing unhelpful predictions, you have been frozen with fear. When you have been confused and depressed and angry for so long it may be difficult to lift yourself up. You may not know what to believe, or who to believe, or how to believe.  

In the beginning, you may need to act “as if” you have confidence in yourself and your child. As your interactive play and learning with your child improve, as the child development team you have assembled learn to mediate and to collaborate, your child becomes more motivated, more engaged and progresses.

As you connect and communicate more deeply with your child, and as you find, inform and organize the helpers and the programs that really make a difference, your “as if” expectations become realities.

Your belief, your increasingly successful daily effort and organization of the helpers, your growing understanding of your child and of yourself, your greater awareness of your child’s progress, their increasing interpersonal connection and communication, their more complex understanding, their more frequent success and happiness, and your own, will lift you up.

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